Sharing Some of My Birth Story

April was Cesarean Awareness Month and May is Mental Health Awareness Month. What I am returning to over and over and over again is the power of sharing stories, connection, and embodiment. This is true for all of us and it is especially true for birthing people and anyone dealing with mental health diagnoses big and small. I am going to focus this post more on my experience with a Cesarean delivery, and only touch on my anxiety. If you don’t think the content of this post is helpful for where you are on your journey, please stop at any time. If you think this post will help you feel less alone, let go of some self-blame, or are just curious, please read on.

This year I feel ready to share my Cesarean story and acknowledge my anxiety especially in relation to motherhood. Just the other week, I was talking with a long time client and somehow my birth story came up and she couldn’t believe I had a Cesarean delivery. This reminded me that I have not brought much awareness to my birth story; it’s personal and I don’t need to, but I want to because my birth story and motherhood journey has shifted my work and my understanding of those I work with. The truth is, there are still people in my life who don’t know that I had a Cesarean delivery. I haven’t openly shared this; aybe I wasn’t ready, maybe I didn’t feel there was value to it, maybe I was shy to speak my truth, maybe there was some other story about the fact that because this wasn’t the birth that I wanted that I didn’t want to share my story.

Whatever the reason, I now feel ready to share my story. Our son is now almost 2 years old and I have written my story, processed my story with my therapist, shared my story with tears and without, decided not to share my story at times, and I have shared my story with confidence and resilience. This experience, and motherhood generally, has brought me grief, rage, sadness, disbelief, fear, passion, empowerment, disconnection, connection, and a deeper trust in my-self.

I planned to have a mostly unmedicated birth at a birth center with the vision that I would be one of the first ones to feel our son’s head as he entered this world. Ten days after my due date, I was learning (and re-learning) patience while also fending off anxiety from within and those around me about when our son would be out of my body and here in our arms. I could sense my fear and lack of belief rising up with each passing hour and day beyond a few days past the given due date.

Once my water finally did break, I could sense my anxiety rise again, but I wasn’t sure what was excitement and what was fear. I had a check up that morning and then labored at home for a few hours, our doula arrived as things picked up and we drove to the birthing center that evening. Things were intense and it was clear I was having some back labor symptoms, but seemed to be progressing normally. On the drive, something shifted physically and mentally; I felt a bigger pop of my water breaking and I got shaky. From here on, I realized I was too embodied, too present, unable to sink below the surface of what was going on, unable to get out of my thinking/processing/anxious mind, but I couldn’t shift it. After more intense labor progression and finally get nitrous oxide for pain management around midnight, I settled a little and realized just how stressed this baby and I were. After a little reprieve, it seemed I was ready to push, but without much progress and with our son’s heart rate starting to drop, I was told to stop and that we would have to transfer to the hospital. This was the first time I thought to myself, “I’m going to have a Cesarean.” Doubt was creeping in all over.

It was now 3am, I was fully dilated and being driven to the hospital by my husband in the front seat facing backwards on hands and knees. Talk about something that wasn’t in my birth plan! Once we arrived, I got an epidural and thought for sure after some rest things would settle and I would regroup. Instead, our not yet born son was in distress no matter what position I was in and I was still quite uncomfortable. So the OB doctor on call ,who was my angel that night because I actually knew her from teaching yoga, stayed over her shift to wheel us back and deliver Conor via C-section at 6:30am. I never felt so numb yet so relieved, so scared yet so alive, or so much denial yet also so much truth.

I am so grateful that we both survived this and are now 2 years out! My body won’t be the same, but my recovery has gone well. I never thought that would be our birth story, but it is. And now I have learned so much about Cesarean recovery and just how little support there is, yet how much support you can find.

If you had a Cesarean delivery recently or a while ago and are seeking support for scar work, mobility, retraining, or strengthening, let me know! And stay tuned for a post about the resources I found on my recovery journey. If you are in need of mental health support, put your zip code in here and find someone who can support you.

Finally, know that you aren’t alone, we each have our individual experiences, but we are never alone or the only one.